And It Was Your Heart on the Line

Metts and Cupach (2007) provide three conceptual distinctions that characterize a transgression event: 1)rule violations, 2) hurt, and 3)behaviors that constitute infidelity. I was most interested in the descriptions and definitions of rule violations, which are "events, actions, and behaviors that violate implicit and explicit relationship norms or rules" (p.245). Nine specific categories were cited based on previous research by Metts and Cupach:

1. Inappropriate interaction
2. Lack of sensitivity
3. Extrarelational involvement
4. Relational threat confounded by deception
5. Disregard for primary relationship
6. Abrupt termination
7. Broken promises and rule violations
8. Deception, secrets, and privacy
9. Abuse

This list should come as no surprise to those of us who study interpersonal communication, relationships, and the dark side, but I started to put a new spin on these communicative acts by looking at them from a systems approach. I began to wonder how "toxic" friends and family can affect the relational dyad especially if these members of the system are the ones committing the transgression. Basically here's how I broke it down. How do couples cope with friends or family who are inappropriate, lack sensitivity, disregard the primary relationship (i.e. the friendship or the family bond), deceive, lie, or abuse? This can be further complicated by the fact the toxic transgressor could be your partner's friend, not yours, or an in-law, which you may or may not want to claim as family. Furthermore, I could see how these tangled webs of relational systems that we weave could lead to transgressions within the primary dyad such as extrarelational involvement, abrupt termination, deception, secrecy, etc. Have I lost you yet? Ok let me go back and reference the systems analogy of the pebble in the pond. The toxic transgressor is said pebble that gets dropped into the relational pond, which ripples first to your partner and then to you and so on and so forth. What consequences does this have for your relationship? How does this impact your feeling of hurt and anger? What does this mean in terms of forgiveness?

In order for me to fully grasp these questions I need to keep it real for a second, and give some background as to how I went down this tangled path of systems and transgressions on top of transgressions. My partner has an extremely toxic friend who is also a severe drug addict. This person is not my friend, and I certainly do not want to have a friendship or a relationship with him. I have seen him verbally abuse my partner, have inappropriate interactions with, communicate a utter lack of sensitivity, and abruptly terminate the friendship until he needs money for drugs or a place to stay while he waits to score drugs. When I become upset and angry over the situation, my partner doesn't understand why I'm reacting this way since he's not my friend. And it's true he's not, but my partner is inviting him into our house and our relationship, which by association makes it part of my life. When I asked my partner what he gets out of the friendship his response was "Good question." He couldn't really think of any benefit to the relationship other than they had been friends for a while and have been in a band together. I wonder how he can be friends with someone who's sole purpose is to use and abuse him. It's hard for me to watch someone that I love be hurt by a person who is supposed to love and care about him as well. Most of the arguments and disagreements that we have in our relationship stem from this toxic friend. What I'm left with at the end of the day is questions regarding how I can keep my relationship in tact while also managing this toxic system that I have found myself in. A system that I consented to being a part of based solely on my love for my partner. I am left to wonder how I manage the hurt and anger that I feel towards not only the friend but my partner as well. How can I forgive these transgressions that affect me by relational association?