My Heart Will Go On, And On, And On, And On....

A quick Google search of "breakup songs" lead me straight to a website called breakup-songs.com, which offered a wide variety of lists based on musical genre, decade released, and a top 50 editors pick. Here are a couple of my personal faves from the editors top 50 that I think relate to post-dissolutional romantic relationships, post-dissolutional communication, and unrequited love (my favorite themes from the readings):

• (There's) Always Something There To Remind Me - R. B.
• Don't Speak - No Doubt
• End of the Road - Boyz II Men
• Ex-Factor - Lauryn Hill
• Ex-Girlfriend - No Doubt
• How Am I Suppose To Live Without You - Michael Bolton
• I Will Survive - Gloria Gaynor
• My Heart Will Go On - Celine Dion
• You Oughta Know - Alanis Morrisette
• You Were Meant For Me - Jewel
• You Were Mine - Dixie Chicks

In regards to this week's readings, I found Weber's (1998) synthesis of coping with non-marital breakups to be intriguing and quite comprehensive (i.e. my scholarly term for being overwhelmed with all the ideas that were highlighted). I was quite drawn to her section labeled "Tell Me Something," which discussed being left hanging, the need for meaning, and the need for closure. My personal experience with non-marital breakups has resulted in a few prime examples of the left hanging phenomenon, which I like to call the "Harry Houdini" (details to follow). A Harry or Harrietta Houdini pulls the ultimate vanishing act by disappearing from your life without so much as a Post-it note leaving you baffled, confused, hurt, and angered. You feel like the relationship lacks a finish, a final act, and so you are left ruminating about what went wrong and more specifically what you did to deserve an escape act.

Being the victim of a few Harry's in my time, I turned to my pop press guide to relationships "He's Just Not That Into You," and I found the chapter "He's Just Not That Into You If He's Disappeared on You." The advice, while probably helpful in the long wrong, just didn't give me the closure and meaning that I so desperately sought post Houdini. One of the authors, Greg Behrendt, kept stating that no answer was my answer. If he's pulled a Houdini then that's all I need to know and I should move on. Easier said than done Greg! So this got me thinking about some of the research into unrequited love (Bratslavsky, Baumeister, & Sommer, 1998; Baumeister & Wotman, 1992) that discusses how it is harder to be the rejector than the rejectee. It is the one who doesn't reciprocate or want to continue the relationship that finds themselves in the more difficult position. This brings up a good point. How do you politely say verbally that "I'm just not that into you?" The rejector is damned if they do and damned if they don't. A direct strategy, which isn't commonly used, can lead to face threats and possibly more personal and social costs for the one who doesn't want to be in the relationship in the first place. An indirect strategy, which is more commonly used, may be misconstrued by the rejectee who thinks that he/she still has a chance. So do you rip the band-aid off or do you just passively wait for it to fall off and let nature take its course? I totally get where the research is coming from, but this is one of those dark side topics where I struggle to find the light. I see where it is functional and probably quite normative to pull a Houdini versus direct breakup communication, but it doesn't make me any less pissed at the Houdinis of the world.

Ok so here's my ultimate Houdini story. I began dating Jon (the names have not been changed to protect the innocent, b/c there are no innocent people in this story) immediately following my breakup with my high school boyfriend of 4 years. I started dating Jon in the spring semester of my junior year in college. I thought things were going so well. I loved spending time with him, hanging out at his frat, and getting him to help me with my information systems homework. I was in love! Spring moved on to summer and the relationship started to experience some turbulence. We stopped seeing each other every day and he was calling me less and less, but I blamed this on my busy schedule. I was working a full time job and interning for a minor league baseball team every night. Finally in the fall on our 6-month anniversary John dumped me. He told me point blank that he just wasn't that into me and it was over. I was devastated. I swore that I would never love again. He was the one and my life was over. Eventually I found a new boy around Homecoming and worked on getting over Jon. We took things slow and by spring had developed a pretty solid relationship. I still had feelings for John, but Jordan was helping me to cope with it all. So it's the week before my college graduation and I'm out with Jordan and we run into Jon. Since they're frat brothers, Jordan & I have to acknowledge his presence. Jon's being all friendly and nice to us. He even invites us back to his apartment to hang out for late night. I immediately tell Jordan that it's the worst idea ever, that Jon is completely diabolical and is up to no good. Jordan insists that everything will be ok. I'm with him so what's the worst that can happen?!? So we go back to Jon's apartment, which he shares with 3 other frat brothers so don't worry this isn't going to some weird, creepy, sexual place. As soon as I get there Jon says that he needs to talk to me. I agree to hear him out and he proceeds to tell me how much he loves me, wants to be with me, and eventually marry me. I had been waiting to hear Jon say all of these wonderful things since the moment I met him and I can't believe over a year later it's finally coming true. So I of course dump Jordan, reclaim my love for Jon, and spend the week before my college graduation basking in relational bliss. A couple of days before graduation Jon tells me that he has to go to Ohio to see his parents. They are insisting that he comes home for a few days. What about my graduation? He tells me not to worry that he will be back on Saturday for the graduation and that he loves me. He kissed me goodbye and that's the last I saw or heard from him....until I ran into his punk ass at a bar in September and proceeded to pour a fatty mug of beer all over his lying, cheating, Houdini self - talk about closure:-)

Weber's (1998) discussion of tell me something really hit close to home with this breakup. I struggled that entire summer to find meaning and closure. How could someone confess their love, talk about marriage, and then disappear? The Houdini was especially hard to deal with because this happened days before my college graduation where my family was expecting to meet the love of my life who wanted to marry me. Oh and did I mention that my birthday was a week later! The later part of the story (i.e. beer dumping) can be linked to Kellas, Bean, Cunningham, and Cheng's (2008) study of trajectories, turning points, and post-dissolution communication. My relationship with Jon did not end after the bar sighting, beer dumping. We traveled in the same social networks so I ran into him downtown, at frat parties, and we even had a class together. Our post-dissolutional relationship had its moments of ups and downs when we tried to be friends, then he would spread nasty rumors about me, I'd forgive him, and then it eventually ended in violence. He hit me at a party and was convicted of assault and battery. At times I wish that he had made his Houdini act permanent, but the turbulence and violence that I experienced did finally provide me with meaning and closure regarding our relationship. You can't really love someone and want to physical harm them, damage their social reputation or take away their friends. That isn't love at all. At least not the kind of love that I want to be a part of. Relationships don't end with the break-up. Maybe that's why people prefer to let the band-aid fall off and pull a Houdini rather than rip it off and give us the meaning and closure that we seek.

P.S. - Last year I tried to friend him on Facebook and he declined the invite. Oh well:-)